Genesis 29:32-35
Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, “It is because the Lord has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.”
She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Because the Lord heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too.” So she named him Simeon.
Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.” So he was named Levi.
She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “This time I will praise the Lord.” So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children.
Knowledge deficiency - is not always the blame for pain. Sometimes, we are asking God to heal us but we're not letting go of what's making us sick.
What if looking back over and over is infecting you with insecurity?
Forgive yourself for all the times that you left you behind to chase their approval.
I will no longer lose me while helping them find themselves.
- Marriage is not even permanent. (Matthew 22:24-30)
At the resurrection, people will neither marry nor be given in marriage. They will be like, the angels in heaven.
This is deeper than romance. It's about a kingdom agenda. In the spiritual realm, the man is the leader. The man is the authority agent / the man is the covering / the man is the head / the man is the gatekeeper / the protector of the family.
You cannot change the world until I have first changed you -God
- Never desire for your last name to change more than you want God to change him. Because if you rather your last name to change vs God changing him, he'll change your last name but for the rest of your marriage, you'll be praying for God to change him.
- If we can get the men (head) to have a collision course with the love of Jesus, and then he can begin to love his wife like Christ loved the church and lead his family into that love, him loving Jesus will help the world experience the love of Jesus (kingdom agenda).
So if he loves money, and he loves possessions, he's going to treat you like a possession. If he loves sex, he's gonna treat you like a sex object. If he loves nothing, he's gonna treat you like nothing.
But if a man ever has his heart captured by the gospel, if his life is changed by the power of the cross, if a man ever experiences the love of Jesus, and then he begins to lead his family into the love of Jesus, and that household can lead a community to experience the love of Jesus.
- It's dangerous when a husband (man) doesn't know how to express, because in the kingdom realm, we have been wired to express the heart of God / to model the love of God, because men are identity givers (Genesis 2:19)
What if we were to actually look at how we love and then look at how Jesus loves?
How do I still love when I've been hurt?
Because historical trauma can give us a high tolerance for pain and we have to become people that stop measuring our strength by how much we could take.
Luke 23:33-34
And when they had come to the place called Calvary, there they crucified Him, and the criminals, one on the right hand and the other on the left. Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, they do not know what they do.”
Forgive them. Forgiveness doesn't always mean re-entry.
The Joseph test: When Joseph's brothers came back, he didn't just allow them to automatically come back in his life, he first tested them.
Before I introduce you to the new me, I have to see, are you the same person that threw me in the pit. Are you the same person that took my robe? Are you the same person that sold me into slavery? Just because time has changed, doesn't mean you have.
Forgiveness frees the prisoner and once you forgive, you'll discover that the prisoner was you. All bitterness does is contaminate the container. I will not allow pain to own the pen of my story. because it is not my author. Pain will not have the final say.
How do I love when I'm being falsely accused?
Because sometimes their opinion of me can cause me to dilute my authenticity. When I care more about what they say about me, it can cause for me to dilute my authenticity, all perfectionism is, is the fear of criticism playing dress up.
Matthew 26:59-64
Now the chief priests, the elders, and all the council sought false testimony against Jesus to put Him to death, but found none. Even though many false witnesses came forward, they found none. But at last two false witnesses came forward and said, “This fellow said, ‘I am able to destroy the temple of God and to build it in three days.’ ”
And the high priest arose and said to Him, “Do You answer nothing? What is it these men testify against You?” But Jesus kept silent. And the high priest answered and said to Him, “I put You under oath by the living God: Tell us if You are the Christ, the Son of God!”
Jesus said to him, “It is as you said. Nevertheless, I say to you, hereafter you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Power, and coming on the clouds of heaven.”
- When they were talking all that noise, what did Jesus do? He said nothing. Because you have to learn to not to respond to what you're not. The only time Jesus said something is when He was able to identify who He was. But if you can't identify who you are, you'll constantly keep on responding to what you're not.
When you know who you are, you don't have to respond to what you're not.
How would the King handle it? He wouldn't even respond to it. I don't address shade thrown from a tree with no fruit.
How do you love when you know somebody's dirt?
When you know their flaw and you know their weakness, do you use their flaw as an ammunition?
John 8:3-7
Then the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in adultery. And when they had set her in the midst, they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do You say?” This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear.
So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.”
Don't throw a stone that would be thrown at you. If your behind the scenes, everybody knew. In biblical terms extend grace and pray for them.
- There's a desperate need of unlearning in the area of what we call a man and what we call love. And how we have got in this dangerous place is due to our first teachers. Who got to you first?
Your first teacher of sex, of pain, of what you do when you're upset. We're struggling because we have to try to unlearn the first lessons that we were taught.
Biblical example / kingdom agenda was for parents to teach you first. Unfortunately a lot of us, the first teachers of trauma was our parents.
- There's this mystery in victory and the secret to spiritual success is not just tied to discipline, obedience and consistency. It's also tied to our ability to discern who not to listen to. HAVE TO HAVE QUALITY IN MY CORNER.
I don't want to lease my ears to somebody who sends me in recovery season after recovery season. I want to have some anointed friends. Bible says anointing breaks yokes. I want to have friends that help me break my ego and they help me break my pride. Help me not be so concerned about feeding my ego but let me feed my spirit. Powerless preaching, powerless pulpits creates powerless pews.
And the caliber of a man is directly connected to the quality of his counsel.
You are a byproduct of the level of teaching you sit under. Who is in my ear matters.
In our society, 3 types of men:
1) Self-made
Self made. Loner. Most likely an introvert, very secretive. The way he loves you is based on the love he taught himself as love. When a man teaches a man to love, that could become problematic and an issue because you can't love a woman the way you love a man, and when he doesn't understand this, he's real rough with you. He's real stern to you, real direct, very sarcastic to you because he's treating you like a man. But he hasn't been taught tenderness and gentleness. This type of brother, he don't believe in no type of therapy. He's not trying to do no type of counseling, he can never see himself. Why? Because he taught himself. The worst type of combination is when somebody's ignorant and arrogant. When you're ignorant, you think you know everything. When you're arrogant, can't nobody tell you anything. If you all your mind, your emotions, your thought pattern to counsel you. Pain is imminent. The woman with this type of brother, she will always fall short because he's loving you like he will love a man.
2) Culture made
Man who loves you based on how culture has shaped him. He loves you based on how R& B told him to love you, based on how he sees other people and culture love their wife, by his favorite tv shows. Have we forgot that movies and tv is for entertainment and not instruction. If you want him to love you like an actor, don't get upset when the love is fake. This is the difficulty when you allow culture to dress you. Everytime you step in the mirror, you're already out of code, because culture keeps changing. And you have to hurry up and go try on another outfit, and then when you look in the mirror to see how you look, it's already changed again. And so it's training you and discipling you how to be an inconsistent man because the trends keep changing. One of the most irritating things a man can be is inconsistent.
3) Kingdom Made
This is the man who understands that love is sacrifice. He understands that his assignment is to cover you, who understands provision and not just providing you with food and shelter and clothes (culture men do this) but when you're kingdom, he'll give you so much provisions that it leads an inheritance for my children's children. You thinking about the mortgage, but the kingdom man is thinking about his great grandson / great granddaughter. Kingdom man is Jesus dependent. The kingdom man heals. It's his job for you to forget that your heart was ever broken. And love you like you've never been loved before. I wash blemishes, I wash wounds.
Leah was in a place where she was like maybe, if I give Jacob a son, he'll love me. Verse 32 - She named him Reuben for she said it is because the Lord has seen my misery surely my husband will love me now. She conceived again... because the Lord heard that I'm not loved. This woman is having sex with this man and she knows this man doesn't love her.
A man can give you his time, he can give you his body, he can give you his thoughts, he could even come over and spend the night with you, and you still not have his heart. You think because he talks to you, and he sends you a good morning text, he loves you. In the text, that this man is married to her, having sex with her, she's giving him son after son, and she knows he still doesn't love her. Sex won't keep him. The bait that you use, is probably have to be the bait that you continue to use, to keep him, and that may not even keep him. I need character.
Verse 34 - Again she conceived and bore a son, "Now at last, my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him 3 sons" So he was named Levi. She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, "This time I will praise the Lord." So she named him Judah. Then she stopped producing.
Something happened to Leah, "I'm trying to get him to be attached to me, to love me, to notice me, but maybe I'm putting too much pressure on you, that's not even for you, that's for God. So now, I'm gonna focus on the Lord, and I'm gonna give God praise because He's been good, faithful, loyal. I'm gonna give God praise and I don't need to produce for you anymore, because I recognize producing for you is not gonna fix it. I recognize that the greatest place for me is understanding God's love for me, and then she stopped producing.
NEVER VIEW YOURSELF AS AN OPTION. ALWAYS VIEW YOURSELF AS A PRIVILEGE.
One of the ways you can know when a man loves you, is not by him giving you his body, his time, his conversation - is when he gives you his vulnerable self. What scares him, what he feels like he can't do. The boy like tendencies that he never got rid of and he's ashamed that they're still there. Watch it, because some men will use the victim card. Victim card is not the same as vulnerability. Is when he shows you his flawed self.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN A MAN LOVES YOU
1) He challenges you
Iron sharpens iron. Is when he sharpens you. Challenges you to pray more, to forgive, to serve. It's going to be an evolutionary process for the process that you're already in.
2) He expands you
Expands your dream, expands your vision. Some of us are thinking too low. You have to keep saying well, at least he comes home, at least he calls me, at least...
If you have to say at least you're settling. Because this means you're looking for the least.
When Jesus was on the cross, and he was stretched, he was showing you THIS IS WHAT PURPOSE LOOKS LIKE. IT STRETCHES YOU.
3) He helps detox
There are certain type of brothers, they keep you entertain the pollution of Egypt. They give you the meals of Egypt, but a kingdom man, he helps you rid yourself for that.
If you don't love the principles of God but you call Jesus your homeboy, but you don't like His teaching, a kingdom man is gonna get on your nerves.
It's almost like his love will put you on a dressing room. I'm not saying he's perfect, but he loves a perfect God. He's just gonna keep on taking off the layers of Egypt.
4) He could lead you
It's problematic when a man is just a follower, because we have been wired to lead. Can he lead me? Where? Can I trust this individual to lead me to places that I could not get into myself? His leadership is like an usher. His love and his leadership is going to lead you to a seat that you couldn't sit in without his leadership.
5) He sacrifices for you
He's going to constantly lay down his life so that you can live. You can tell if somebody loves you by how willing they are to be inconvenienced for your benefit.
6) He coves you
Security. I need you to secure me emotionally. A wife should be able to tell her husband more things than she would tell her girlfriends. You should be able to talk to him more. Brothers have to be in a place where she can talk to us because when a woman is in a marriage, and she cannot talk to you, this means she's emotionally homeless, and the enemy is going to try to provide some type of house for her to try to find her emotions to live in.
7) He complements you
How do I know if something is sent by God or by the enemy? The enemy's kinda easy - he kills, steals, destroys. If it is killing your peace, destroying your sleep, and your outlook of marriage.
But when it is God, it's going to complement. Not complete. Only Jesus does that. He's going to complement a work that you're already engaged in.
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